so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Randomize
