he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
50% drunk capacity currently
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
