I just made out with a guy for $7.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
