my vag is so smooth its legendary
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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