i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
