He disabled his match.com account in front of me
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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