I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
