literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
