Tell her she can't have a vagina
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
