I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
