Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
