You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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