I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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