The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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