I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
