I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
