dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
