Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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