I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I think I won the penis lottery.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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