there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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