Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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