When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
