therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
