sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It's rum buckets o'clock
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
