I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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