I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
