can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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