I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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