Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
