Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
