i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
