Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
