my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Randomize
