i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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