i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Randomize
