Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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