I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
