I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
