i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
