my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
