Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
