"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
