9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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