Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
