Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
