Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Randomize
