I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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