Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
