she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
