I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
