dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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